bitter or sweet?

some of you may have noticed a change in my attitude or activities lately. if not, that's fine. i am going to write about it now that im in a good mood.

i'm going through a 'challenging' spiritual season at the moment. the last few months i've felt like everything around and inside me has been crumbling and falling apart, bit by bit. i won't share details here, and i probably won't feel like talking about it if you ask me. please be gracious and patient. i am still in the process of figuring it all out.

if you are a bit shocked i appreciate the concern. i'm ok, i'm still me. i'm just sick and tired of pretending that life is rosy all the time. christians do that. mostly because we manage to convince ourselves that we must be happy all the time. and because we're humans and full happiness is not achievable on this side of heaven when life gets frustrating we at least do our best to "look" happy, that way we don't lose face nor appear as failures. [...sigh...]

it's not that i don't trust God enough or that i dont spend enough time in prayer, or that i don't do as many church activities as i should or that i am morbid and inflicting this on myself or whatever...... it could be a bit of everything and anything. life just throws things at you sometimes and there isn't one way to cope. so please, please, unless you can find the strength and grace to allow me to go through this without judging me or comparing me with those who "do well" please don't come to me with a 'quick fix' solution. i know all the bible verses too.

a listening ear sometimes is all that's needed. thanks. :)

there is light though. it's not all darkness and despair. and although the feelgoodmeter tends to go Up and Down the last few mornings had a bit of that "fresh new start" flavour to them.

you know those mornings when you were a student and woke up knowing that the academic year had just ended, that you passed all your exams and it was time to move on? or those when you woke up thinking it was time to move your stuff to a new place? and you felt bittersweet because of both the excitement to start something new yet the sadness to leave something comfortable that had your name on it behind?

well this is how i feel at the moment.